


how we wish that it wasn’t this way

by andathousandyearsmore



Series: juxtaposition [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Dialogue Heavy, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fix-It, M/M, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Steve Angst, Steve Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Steve and Tony Actually Talk, Tony Angst, Tony Feels, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, platonically though - Freeform, what else do you expect in a fic where they actually talk?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-11
Updated: 2019-01-19
Packaged: 2019-10-07 22:36:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17374496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andathousandyearsmore/pseuds/andathousandyearsmore
Summary: where Steve gets a few things off his chest and tries to leave, and things end up much more differently than he expected





	1. reveal

The balcony’s metal bars were cool underneath his palms, a contrast to the heated balcony itself, thanks to Tony and JARVIS. In fact, everything was a contrast to the heated balcony, including the snow that softly coated every surface outside, the temperature, and even the wind. It softly whistled in the background, powerless even against the weak snow that had just ended an hour ago. Underneath the dark early morning sky and the full moon, the snow seemed to shimmer brightly and cover up all of the city’s imperfections in one white blanket. On a different day, Steve wouldn’t have come outside and risk triggering himself against the cold, but there was something so pure and innocent in 2 AM snow and its quiet aftermath that he couldn’t keep away from.

New York City was the city that didn’t sleep, and there was full evidence of that even now. The streets were still filled with bright white, yellow, orange and red lights from cars, and the lights from street lamps and traffic lights and the lights from the signs of businesses, bars, and early diners. The faint sound of cars honking passed through Steve’s mind as he lightly smiled at the unchanging aspect of it all. This was beautiful, this was appreciation, this was something he desperately wanted to capture on a canvas, and this was something he would forever remember in times of chaos. The city flowed like a river and with the wind, bringing people in and letting them leave just as fleetingly. 

Liminal spaces. That’s what they were called.

He wasn’t paying attention to much of what was happening outside, merely letting the scene wash over him like a comforting shawl. No; Steve’s mind was occupied by a plague that was threatening to take him over. It had already left him unable to dream well, unable to sleep, and unable to clear his mind. With everyday that passed, Steve knew his time was running out and that plans had to be set in motion. And maybe a few days ago, he wouldn’t have had any qualms about it, but the entire game had changed and the worry had set in. If only Steve hadn’t snapped, hadn’t ruined their perfect image of him—no, what was he wishing? Steve hadn’t regretted that. He still didn’t regret that, even if it made this decision harder. 

Steve was snapped out of his thoughts by a voice calling out his name. He turned around and almost cursed when he saw who it was. Tony. Of course it was Tony, of all people, and of all times. The universe loved toying with him like a puppet, didn’t it?

“Steve?” Tony uncertaintly asked, looking harried. Actually, now that Steve was getting a proper glimpse of him, the sleep-deprived genius looked like he had run up here in a hurry to do something, but now didn’t have to. His face melted into relief, and Steve had no clue why. “JARVIS said that you were going to...” He trailed off as he waved a hand in a vague gesture, though Steve noticed Tony’s eyes darted to the railing, and why lie underneath and off the railing. 

Steve exhaled sharply when he finally caught Tony’s meaning. “No, no, I wasn’t going to... sorry, I must have pulled you from—“ His words came out in a blur, slips of Brooklyn peeking out from underneath the showgirl Cap voice he had perfected from the USO tours to mask the Brooklyn, and when he was angry, the Irish. 

Tony interrupted him, shaking his head. “I, I needed the air anyway,” he unconvincingly said, seemingly staring at Steve with a far-off, distant look on his face that was both relieved and worried. Steve didn’t know what was so interesting in his face that made Tony look like that at him. 

“I must have held onto the railing for too long,” Steve shrugged nonchalantly, not mentioning why exactly he was out here and staring of over the distance. Tony woukd have nothing but questions if he entertained that. 

“Uh, yeah,” Tony said, still staring at him strangely. “Um... penny for your thoughts?”

He caught his reflection in the polished gleaming metal of the Tower and the door, and winced. Oh, he looked tired and every bit of his 95 years, more so than he ever had. Instantly, Steve had the look of a man who survived the Depression and World War II, with all of the wear and tear that the serum was supposed to prevent. Now he understood the frightened look on Tony’s face that had given way to worry. 

Tony had no clue what that innocent question had done to Steve in that moment. He felt a wave of regret and pain sweep through him and almost knock him out on his feet with the emotions warring inside of him. What he had spent all night thinking about and debating; that was all tied to Tony and Steve didn’t know what he was going to do. 

It just wasn’t fair. Not to him, but to Tony, who was genuinely one of the best men he had ever had the pleasure of meeting. For all of his faults, Tony Stark was a good man who always tried and gave everything for the world without expecting anything back, only for even those low standards to be broken time and time again. Sure, he was maybe a little more careful in his trust, and a little more cautious, but underneath that cynical, snarky, flashy exterior was a vulnerable guy that despite being hurt so many goddamn times, tried to trust again. And sure, maybe Steve was disappointed and a little mad at Tony and the rest of the team, but they were the closest thing he had to family, save Bucky. This too, would pass with time. But for Tony, he wondered, would it pass? 

Steve looked at Tony with a sad smile and said, “I think inflation has raised that price.” 

The older man took that as his cue to walk onto the balcony and right next to Steve, turning to face Steve so that his right side was to the world, and his left was to the door. Steve, in response, merely propped up his body against the railing, leaning in it and using his body to ensure he wouldn’t fall off of it. He didn’t say anything; instead choosing to let the silence wash over them. Steve didn’t know what to say. 

He didn’t think he was ready for the main conversation, or its aftermath. He was running out of time, that much was obvious, but right now was just still not the right time. Steve didn’t know what to say, or how to say it and... he was lost. It was the coward’s way, using silence and running away, and so very much unlike him, but he just didn’t—it wasn't fair to Tony to keep something like this. Either way, it wasn’t fair and Steve hated that the man who had trusted and been betrayed, and trusted, and been betrayed, was going to go through something else. 

“I’m a billionaire, Steve, I can afford buying your thoughts,” Tony said, but unlike his normal quips, this one just didn’t have the heart in it, as Tony’s smile dropped and his face lost any sort of cheer minutes ago. 

Steve shook his head sadly. “Oh, Tony,” he said in an apologizing tone. He glanced over at the man, and then let all of his masks drops. He watched Tony’s eyes widen in horror, and then in worry. 

“Steve?” Tony quietly, carefully asked. His voice was so soft, even when it quavered, and Steve hated himself all the more for it, but he knew that was he was about to do was the right thing. It was just going to have to be one more sin on his list. 

“I’m going to step down, I think,” he said neutrally, trying his hardest to keep the regret and pain out of his voice. Tony did not need to hear that, and this would just be all so _easier if Steve didn’t have goddamn emotions, but here he was, somehow still a human being that had shreds of humanity left_. “From the team.” 

By the reaction on Tony’s face, he hadn’t been expecting to hear that. There was confusion in the genius’s voice as he asked, “You’ll still be on it, right? But why?” 

“No, I’m not going to... I’m quitting,” Steve said, biting down another remark. He nodded slightly, almost to himself, trying to convince himself that this was right, and that this needed to be done. “I think I’m leaving, Tony.” 

Tony was silent for a few minutes. Steve was staring at the Tower section in front of him, faintly watching the reflection of the city on the metal and watching the lights change. He was still a coward, hoping that Tony would ask why. It was his conversation, and he still wanted Tony to take it, because he was a selfish bastard. 

Tony exhaled heavily and shook his head incomprehensibly, looking at Steve with disbelief. “You’re kidding me,” Tony flatly said. “This is something to get me to go to sleep, right? Make me think I’m crazy?”

Steve felt his face breaking with sympathy as he shook his head no, and looked away from Tony’s expressive face. He closed his eyes. “Tony... this is a choice I have to make.” The Brooklyn was slipping out more and more with every sentence, and Steve didn’t really care about holding it in anymore. 

“Why do you _have_ to?” Tony whirled on him. “What’s stopping you from not leaving?” 

Steve swallowed a lump in his throat. He was going to have to do this. 

“I loved him, ever since I knew what that was,” he started to say, cutting off Tony’s question about the relevance of this, and why Steve was telling it now, “And he loved me. It was always Bucky and Steve, when we grew up, and Bucky and Steve when we were older. But everyone knew that one day, it’d be just Bucky. Everyone knew I was going to die of some illness or something in my body failing, or even some back alley scrap. Never in our lives did I ever think he was going to go first. That wasn’t—”

Steve paused for a second, stopping his voice from breaking, and then continued. “That wasn’t how it was supposed to happen. And, before the ice, but after the serum, I knew that I would move heaven and hell for Bucky now that I could. I failed him and now, now that I have him back, I can’t lie and say I wouldn’t do the same, if not more, but... I love him, but I found one thing that I just can’t let him get in the way of.” 

Tony looked pained, and like he was bracing himself for something. 

“This team is my family, second only to him, but still I can’t let the Winter Soldier break it,” Steve said honestly. 

“Why would that—” Tony started to ask. 

“Oh Tony,” Steve said for the second time that early, early morning, this time much more sadder than before. “I’m so sorry.”

The billionaire looked stricken. 

Steve shook his head. “I’m so sorry, Tony, that you have to find out like this, but you deserve to know. And I... I should have told you a while ago too. Your parents... they didn’t die of a car accident, Tony, they were killed by HYDRA. By the Winter Soldier.” 

He lost all color in his face and stared at Steve, grief coming over it as anger tried to make its way in the cocktail of emotions. 

“You... you mean that the Win–he killed my mom,” Tony stated in lethal anger. “He killed Jarvis, and he killed the only two people who meant...”

Tony suddenly fled the balcony and headed somewhere else. 

Steve pursued him, hot on his trail, and followed Tony into his lab as the engineer pulled up many of the translated and redacted SHIELDRA files on the Winter Soldier. Of course Tony had them all cracked. He watched in horror as Tony found one of a mission from December 16th, 1991 that had a video. 

It was a gruesome video, and Steve didn’t know Tony could stand there and watch the Winter Soldier efficiently kill his parents, another guy in the car ahead, and then steal something from the back seat. 

Tony’s eyes flashed in pain when the video was over, and he looked absolutely devastated. “All this time,” Tony said. “All this time, I thought Dad was drunk and crashed his car into Jarvis’s and into a tree. All this time I’ve been blaming him for Mom’s and Jarvis’s deaths and... it wasn’t even him.” 

Tony laughed bitterly.

“He used to talk about you and Barnes all the goddamn time. You know, I wanted to punch you in your perfect teeth? Barnes, at least, sounded like a real life character I would have liked and... turns out he killed my entire family. Ironic, that Dad recognized his killer, and... all this damn time.” 

“Tony...” Steve tried to say.

”When did you find out?” Tony sharply asked. 

“I had a suspicion about Hydra being involved at the bunker in Lehigh thanks to the fast video Zola played. Couldn’t get the damn thing out of my mind, and a quick frame of it confirmed that HYDRA organized it a few weeks after I woke. Wasn’t hard to put the pieces between a mission Bucky had and the deaths a month and a half ago.” 

“A month and a half ag—the apartments,” Tony realized, closing all the files and the video. “You...” He rubbed his face with both of his hands. “We’re talking in the morning. I have a date with a bottle of Jack and my bed before I do anything rash.” His voice was sharp and all hard edges. 

”Tony,” Steve said pleadingly, knowing just how much his sobriety meant. “You can’t do that; you can’t drink.”

”And why not!?” Tony yelled, finally letting out everything. Steve belatedly thought that it must have taken a few minutes for it to sink in. “My parents were fucking killed by the man who’s currently under SHIELD protection, because he was just a fucking victim as much as they were, and I don’t even have someone to take it all out on, so why the fuck can’t I do that, huh? There isn’t even anyone to blame anymore, and I just realized that dear ol’ Dad, _wasn’t_  to blame, just like I thought for the last _twenty plus years_  and... none of this fucking works! I have spent the last twenty something years hating Dad more than I did during my shitty childhood for what I thought his did to Jarvis and Mom, and it turns out the old man was just as much of a victim as they were! And I’m learning this when I’m dead tired at 2 AM in the morning by Daddy Dearest’s best fucking friend, whose best friend is responsible, and it’s so funny that everything goes in circles, and it’s really not, because they’re all dead and gone and I can’t.”

”Tony,” Steve tried again, “Please, you have to stay. I have to leave, so you have to stay.”

”And why the hell can’t I leave?” Tony asked, all the anger deflating from him like air out of a balloon. 

“Tony, they all need you. Without you, the team’s going to fall, and that can’t happen,” Steve apologetically said. 

“And what makes you think I can do this, _Steve_? Why do you have to leave?” Tony asked. He blinked, and let out a yawn. “Be here in the morning, or I will kill you.” 

“Tony,” Steve repeated, wondering how he was going to handle tomorrow morning. There was at least a 50% chance that Tony thought this was a dream or a hallucination, especially if he couldn’t understand why Steve had to leave.

He sighed.

Tomorrow. 

 

 


	2. talk

Steve woke up and realized he was sleeping standing up; his back up against a hard surface that if he shifted to the left had an—ow. That felt and sounded suspiciously like a door handle. Did the doors even have handles anymore in the Tower? He opened his eyes and realized he was directly at Tony’s sleeping form on a couch that was... this was the movie room. Right; this was the movie room that was a few floors below the lab, on the first communal floor, and he had brought Tony here last night. Well, technically this morning. Maybe it could be considered last night, especially since it was... ten in the morning?  
  
He had missed breakfast. Damn, he had told himself he was going to start cooking breakfast again today, and he had fallen asleep for far too long. Well, that explained why no one had found it strange that he hadn’t showed up. Or why no one had found it strange that they hadn’t caught him re-entering the Tower after a run. He hadn’t done that ever since they had come back from the Compound either. And based on last night... it seemed that the cooking/running routines wouldn’t happen again. 

Last night. 

Oh god, last night. 

“JARVIS?” Steve quietly called, careful not to wake Tony up. “If he wakes up and asks or wonders where I am, tell him I went to shower and eat. Ask him... ask him when he’d like that talk.”

”Of course,” JARVIS replied serenely. 

* * *

It was ten at night when Tony finally approached him in the kitchen, where Steve was making tomorrow’s batter for breakfast. He was debating on whether he should start cookie batter (not for breakfast) when he heard Tony’s hesitant, yet present footsteps walking towards him. Steve froze for a second, before forcing himself to keep going on like he hadn’t heard Tony, and hadn’t heard of anything. It was much easier said than done. 

“I’d like that talk now,” Tony said, weary and angry at the same time, and Steve hated that he was the reason that Tony was like this. 

Steve turned around from his bowls of flour, sugar, baking powder, and all kinds of other things. He saw Tony’s eyes widen at the bowls in surprise and confusion. “Wish, command.”

Tony didn’t say anything for a minute after that, instead choosing to survey Steve’s face carefully. There must have been something on his face, even now, because Tony had shook his head in exasperation and scoffed. Steve didn’t have a single clue what any of this was for. This time, Steve knew his face didn’t look different or worn down, either. 

“Of course it takes the death of my parents for you to give in so easily to something I asked,” Tony said, lips curved into a light smile, but his eyes were anything but, flashing dangerously. His words were laced with dark sarcasm and his tone was ironic, and Steve couldn’t do anything but watch and wait for whatever was going to happen to him.

He didn’t know how to respond to that, so Steve sadly smiled instead and looked away, still being a damn coward instead of looking Tony in the eye. “You deserve better than anything I could give, Tony. Least I can do is not be an asshole.”

Silence reigned once again in the kitchen, unpunctured by either of their voices. There were no clocks ticking, no voices talking, no footsteps walking, no water dripping, no music playing. Nothing. They were preserved in a moment, just the two of them and Steve wondered how the bubble would pop.

“No, the least you could do is stay,” Tony corrected quietly, flickering his eyes over to Steve.

“I can’t,” Steve said, almost apologetically towards the older man. “Because of yesterday.”

”Yesterday,” Tony flatly repeated, holding up a hand to pause Steve, “When you told me that a) you’re quitting b) you loved him c) you’d do anything for him and d) he killed my parents and Jarvis.” 

Steve’s eyes went to the sole light he had turned on in the kitchen, brightness reminiscent of an almost-flickering tube light, and then _finally_ the man the light cast an angelic appearance over. He preferred often baking at night with a sole light, mainly because he could always dream back to when he’d help his ma out as a child, and also because it wasn’t overwhelmingly flashy. Despite spending almost three years here, the lights were still something his serum-enhanced eyes winced at. But now, with Tony glowing with the harsh light of the kitchen and the soft light of the reactor, all Steve could think about was how strangely accurate that was. 

Harsh exterior, soft interior, all in the light. 

“What I don’t get is why you’re quitting,” Tony said, breaking the sudden silence again. “Why you can’t stay.”

“Wouldn’t be fair,” Steve responded. 

Tony blinked incredulously. “Wouldn’t be fair? _Wouldn’t be fair?_ Oh, Cap, I think we’ve passed that line a long time ago. If fair was the rational behind my decisions then I—”

“This isn’t your decision,” Steve cut in. “This is mine, and I think I’ve got to stop being selfish and—”

”Selfish? You? In what world have you been—”

”In what world haven’t I been selfish?” Steve suddenly asked, watching some of the bright the light fade from Tony as he took a step back at Steve’s tone. “In what world have the things I’ve done not hurt everyone around me?”

“Every single one, Steve, what the hell are you even talking ab—”

”I’m literally number one reason that you and Bucky have had their lives fucked!”

”—out, you’re literally a hero to billions of people and save people and help them out of the goodness in your heart and do... wait, what?” Tony asked, blinking as he took a step forward into the light again. He deflected it off Steve, and Steve knew he was darker now. 

He was much more quieter when he responded, “After Azzano, Bucky had discharge papers. He could have avoided the clusterfuck of World War II if it hadn’t been for me asking him to join me in my personal fucking mission to show that I... I had something prove, and the army was my personal goal, my fight and I dragged him into it and he fell for it, and paid the heaviest price for it. For me. If only I had reached an inch or two farther... I ruined his goddamn life. And you? God, I don’t even know how you can look at me without punching me. If I hadn’t been so selfish, hadn’t crashed, hadn’t held my coordinates, how better would your life have been? He would have been there and even if he still was the same, I’d like to think I was and, I’m so sorry that sorry isn’t acceptable anymore. He fucking loved Cap more than he ever loved you, when Cap is what, a fraction so insignificant compared to you and... and now, this and I-it’s not fair to you for—”

”Steve. Steve. _Steve_ ,” Tony said, trying to interrupt Steve. “Listen, this is beautiful and all, but I really don’t do emotions so listen the fuck up because I’m never saying this again. Look, guilt? That’s nothing new, I get that, I mean, that’s why I shut down the weapons department and fell into that spiral and probably still am in that spiral somewhere, whatever, it’s a work in progress, it’s fine. And that’s why, I can on good authority, tell you that you’re completely wrong and thinking way too hard there and pushing yourself there and wow, I haven’t even said much and I’m breaking out, can you see that? I’m allergic to emotions and I can just feel a rash and... anyway. Stop, yeah? And sure, maybe sometimes I want to punch you in your perfect teeth and see what happens, or whatever, but that was daddy dearest, not you. Yeah?” He broke off and then shuddered. 

“Tony,” Steve started off, shaking his head and swallowing down the fond smile from Tony’s words. 

“Nope. Don’t want to hear it. Nope,” Tony said, plugging his ears. “And if you’re going to run because of my parents, I will find you and I will punch you. With or without a repulsor depends.”

”Tony,” Steve repeated again, looking at Tony with concern in his eyes. This was a classic avoidance strategy. 

“Nope, I made peace with it, nope, we are not talking about this today or in the next two days. And right now we are going to focus on getting your boy back, and then I’ll spend a nice dozen sessions at therapy, and talk to Charlotte, okay?”

”Tony.”

”What, Steve?”

”This isn’t healthy.”

”There. You’ve summed my life up in three words. Tell Pepper. She’ll laugh.”

”Tony.”

”Steve.”

”This isn’t a li—”

”Easy decision, yeah I know. Did I make it? Yeah. Will I regret it? We’ll see. Will I regret it if I let you run? Yes. Should we improve our communication better, and by we I mean you? Yes. Are you a dramatic asshole who likes shocking me into silence? Yes. Is this over? Yes. Great! I can pretend this never happened.” Tony clapped his hands excitedly. 

Steve blinked. “No, that is not how it works and—”

”La la la, I can’t hear you over the sound of your apartment search being canceled!”

”Tony.”

”Nope!”

”Tony.”

”If you feel any shred of guilt towards me, then use it towards listening to me and staying,” he said, before walking away and leaving Steve in complete shock. 

What the hell had happened? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay. so things happened. weird things happened. and that’s why there’ll be a chapter three all in Tony’s pov. maybe it’ll explain. maybe it’ll have questions. we’ll see.


	3. discover

"Sir?" JARVIS's voice abruptly asked, not a question but rather an important interruption. Tony groaned. He knew he had been in the lab for a while, but not long enough to warrant any kind of an intervention. Not to mention he was in the middle of doing... oh wait, what was he doing right now? Was he...trying to install an AI in Clint's bow? He shuddered. God, what a bad idea. 

"J, don't even s—“ Tony started to say. 

"Captain Rogers is distressed and on the balcony. He is close to the railing and may—" JARVIS informed, and Tony's blood ran cold. Was Steve going to jump? No, no, Steve couldn't jump, Steve was _Steve_ and Steve was good and not fucked up and Steve wasn't suicidal and he hadn't ever... no, no, no, no, no. 

"Where is he?" Tony quickly asked, dashing out of his lab and feeling adrenaline surge up in him. The elevator doors automatically opened and he had almost never felt this grateful for JARVIS as he did now. Just as quickly, he got there and then dashed out, running over to where Steve was, almost tripping over his feet. 

“Steve?” Tony called out in a panic. His lungs hurt and goddamn, he had a heart condition. This wasn’t good for him. “Steve? Steve, turn around, okay? Steve?” 

Steve turned around, looking confused and not at all like he was going to jump, and Tony let out a sigh. “Jarvis said you were going to...” Tony mimed the action of jumping off, because he couldn’t bring himself to say it. 

“No, no, I wasn’t going to,” Steve said, shaking his head as he subconsciously imitated Tony’s gesture. He began to apologize for pulling Tony out of the workshop and for being too close to the railing, but Tony just waved the words off, staring at something else. 

Steve looked awful. For all the shit Tony gave him, about being old, he had never looked like it until now. Harsh lines, shadows where stress-induced wrinkles could be, and tired, Steve was fully carrying the 90+ years that he was supposed to be. The effects of a war, The Great Depression, and all the _shit_ that happened in his life really showed, and Tony wondered just what Steve was carrying with him and how he kept it off his normal demeanor. It was scary to see that, especially on someone who wasn’t even biologically 30 yet. God, Steve was a kid and he had the weight of the world on him. That would age someone almost instantly, and it had. This was Steve at a vulnerability that Tony wanted to shield him, pun not intended. 

“Um... penny for your thoughts?” Tony wanted to get Steve talking, and get his mind off of whatever was plaguing him. Maybe a smile, even, if he could swing it. Steve may not have been close to jumping off, but he looked like he was going to drop dead of stress and burdens. 

Steve’s face crumpled for a second, looking at Tony with a sadness that didn’t make any sense, though he quickly schooled his face. 

There was an old-man sad kind of smile on Steve’s face, not the kind Tony was looking for, when he tried to joke back, “I think inflation has raised that price.”

Tony couldn’t leave Steve alone now, not when something was clearly weighing him. He walked onto the warmed balcony—a sharp contrast to the snow outside—and stood next to Steve, watching as Steve leaned a little back on the railing. 

God, the blond looked extremely burdened and resolute, like he was trying to make some kind of a decision. Tony tried not to think about the variety of possibilities that decision could be, and I stead tried for some levity. “I’m a billionaire, Steve. I can afford buying your thoughts.” 

“Oh, Tony,” Steve sighed sadly as he shook his head. Suddenly, as if before hadn’t been bad, Steve’s face softened, but was full of concern and worry and all of the weaker emotions that people like Steve weren’t supposed to have. And maybe that was the problem; bottling everything up wasn’t healthy, just look at him for comparison. 

“Steve?” Tony asked quietly, testing the waters out. 

Steve tried to keep a smile on his face, but couldn’t. He gazed back to the Tower and the doors as he said, “I’m going to step down, I think. From the team.” His voice sounded final and reluctant, at the same time. 

Tony’s heart skipped a beat. He did not hear that right. There wasn’t a single chance that Steve would just leave like that, was there? He sounded conflicted, and maybe this was what he was trying to debate, and maybe this was the decision weighing him down, but this was worse that what Tony could have imagined. 

“You’ll still be on it, right?” Tony asked in a panic. When there wasn’t a response, Tony asked, “But _why_?” 

Was Steve done with the weight? Was Steve tired of it all? 

“No, I’m not going to... I’m quitting. I think I’m leaving, Tony.” 

Tony’s head was spinning. Just why was Steve leaving? Where was he going to go; what was he going to do? Why did he sound like he _had_ to do this? Why did he sound like he didn’t want to? Who was behind this, if there even was a who? Was Tony even hearing this right? He had to be hallucinating. 

Just as a last try, he made a comment about this being some far-fetched plan to get him to sleep. Steve didn’t bite. 

Steve just looked sympathetic as he shook his head and then looked away from Tony. “Tony, this is a choice I have to make.” 

Have to make. Have to make. Have to make, but why? 

“Why do you have to?” Tony whirled on him, seizing on the chance. “What’s stopping you from not leaving?” None of this made any sense, and he hoped he could talk Steve out of this. 

“I loved him, ever since I knew what that was, and he loved me. It was always Bucky and Steve, when we grew up, and Bucky and Steve when we were older. But everyone knew that one day, it’d be just Bucky. Everyone knew I was going to die of some illness or something in my body failing, or even some back alley scrap. Never in our lives did I ever think he was going to go first. That wasn’t—”

Why was Steve telling him this? Steve wouldn’t let him ask, though, and continued to barrel past him with the sad story. Tony knew that Steve had a relationship with James, and that Steve was constantly sick when he was younger. Put together in the context if their lives, this was downright sad and pathetic. And the way Steve’s face constantly tried to not cry or waver (he failed at the latter) made Tony want to hug the blond. 

“That wasn’t how it was supposed to happen,” Steve said, shaking his head at the ground. “And, before the ice, but after the serum, I knew that I would move heaven and hell for Bucky now that I could. I failed him and now, now that I have him back, I can’t lie and say I wouldn’t do the same, if not more, but... I love him.”

Steve was leaving the team for Bucky. 

“But I also found one thing that I just can’t let him get in the way of.”

Wait, what? That didn’t make any sense. 

“This team is my family, second only to him, but still I can’t let the Winter Soldier break it.” 

Tony started to ask what the relevancy of any of this was, and how any of it made sense before Steve cut him off. 

“Oh Tony. I’m so sorry,” Steve apologized. 

For what? 

Steve shook his head. “I’m so sorry, Tony, that you have to find out like this, but you deserve to know. And I... I shound have told you a while ago too. Your parents... they didn’t die of a car accident, Tony, they were killed by HYDRA. By the Winter Soldier.”

Tony couldn’t breathe. Tony gaped at Steve as his mind tried to process what Steve had just said. His parents were killed. Killed. By the very same guy that Steve loved. Loves. His parents hadn’t died of Howard’s careless driving. He had hated his father for killing his mother for twenty plus years and he wasn’t even the murderer. It hadn’t been an accident. Jarvis had been killed too. Jarvis, who must have been crossfire in the assassination of his parents, or maybe it was just Howard if HYDRA was responsible, was also killed. 

JARVIS could find the file in the data dump.

Tony fled from the balcony, trying to keep his legs from giving out underneath the tears that threatened to spill. 

He found the file. He watched the video. Of course there was a video. 

Steve was there, in the workshop, watching him, watching the video, and watching him watch the video. 

Tony bitterly laughed. Steve tried to comfort him. Tony asked. Steve answered. Tony yelled. Steve apologized. 

Tony wanted to get drunk, and fuck his sobriety. Everyone would understand, wouldn’t they? He just wanted to forget the bombshell Steve dropped on him and drink oaway years and years of guilt, resentment and anger. He yelled at Steve when Steve wouldn’t let him.  

”Tony,” he heard Steve saying pleadingly, beggingly. “Please, you have to stay. I have to leave, so you have to stay.” It seemed like Steve was saying it reassuringly to both of them, like he was trying to convince himself of it, and not even Tony. 

Tony heard himself asking why he couldn’t leave if Steve was going to. Apparently they all needed him, and not Steve, to keep this team intact. Apparently Steve thought himself expendable. Apparently Tony thought he could run this team alone, when he couldn’t even do it with Steve shouldering 90% of the work. All because Steve’s love had killed his parents and Steve thought himself... what, guilty? Tony didn’t understand that either. 

He mumbled something about the morning, and left to go to his room. For once in his life, he went voluntarily to sleep. 

—————

He woke up to the sound of soft music playing, reminiscent of the 40s. JARVIS said something about Steve telling him to find him whenever. 

Tony didn’t think he wanted to see Steve right now, especially now that he could process everything with a clear and focused mind. He realized that this was partially why Steve had been like the way he was yesterday, because he had expected Tony to be angry. He had expected Tony to lash out against him, and Bucky. And Tony, he would have gone along hadn’t he come to the revelation right now. Tony was angry, yes, and no one, including Steve apparently, was going to fault him for that, but he knew that he wasn’t going to be forever angry now that he was aware. 

God, Steve had clearly been thinking about this for a while. 

Tony ate food, showered, got dressed, and brushed his teeth (not in that order) and headed towards his lab, needing to work a few things out. 

It was a few frustrating hours later when everything suddenly clicked. 

Steve knew Tony was going to be justifiably angry at Bucky. He had also probably thought that Tony would be angry for being left in the darkness for a while. That, combined with the other secrets Steve had been keeping, along with the outburst Steve had, must have made Steve think there was going to be a wedge driven between the team. 

The comment about keeping the team together suddenly made more sense. 

Steve was going to take Bucky and run, not because he was choosing Bucky, but because he was choosing everyone else. 

Tony blinked. There was only one way to find out, but maybe Tony could table it for when he was more calm. 

—————

Steve was baking something, with all kinds of white powders (seriously, how many went into pastries?) and other things. He turned around at Tony’s greeting. Tony saw nothing but guilt and apology written in his face, with a certain resolve that was so innately Steve that Tony scoffed. 

“Of course it takes the death of my parents for you to give in so easily to something I asked,” Tony said, still staring at Steve. He was trying not to start yelling at Steve. 

Steve sighed. “You deserve better than anything I could give, Tony. Least I can do is not be an asshole.”

“No, the least you could do is stay,” Tony corrected quietly, flickering his eyes over to Steve. 

The least Steve could have done was to stay and try to make things work, instead of leaving like this was some kind of a divorce. _Captain America and Iron Man: Divorced? Custody of Avengers Still Pending._ Tony could already see the headlines flashing. 

“I can’t, because of yesterday.” 

”Yesterday,” Tony flatly repeated, holding up a hand to pause Steve, “When you told me that a) you’re quitting b) you loved him c) you’d do anything for him and d) he killed my parents and Jarvis.”

Steve didn’t say a single goddamn thing, instead just looking at the sole light that he had turned on. 

“What I don’t get is why you’re quitting,” Tony lied, trying to start the conversation again. “Why you can’t stay.”

Steve said something about how it wouldn’t be fair, and Tony snapped. Fairness had long ago stopped being a part of his life. 

“This isn’t your decision,” Steve cut in. “This is mine, and I think I’ve got to stop being selfish and—”

Tony wanted to laugh. Steve, selfish? The only person that Steve’s plan didn’t help was Steve himself, and Steve called himself selfish? Tony said as much. 

”In what world haven’t I been selfish? In what world have the things I’ve done not hurt everyone around me?”

Steve was a master at the guilt for the world thing, it seemed. 

“Every single one, Steve, what the hell are you even talking ab—” 

”I’m literally number one reason that you and Bucky have had their lives fucked!” Steve cut in, yelling. 

”—out, you’re literally a hero to billions of people and save people and help them out of the goodness in your heart and do... wait, what?” Tony blinked, not expecting that to be said. 

Steve started talking about Bucky falling, and how that was his fault, and then Howard and the shitstorm that had been Tony’s life. 

”Steve. Steve. Steve,” Tony said, unable to hear any of this. None of this was Steve’s fault. He tries to convince Steve of the same, blaming it in the people who needed to be blames. He knows that Steve isn’t convinced, not by the way he shakes his head and tries to hide a sad, yet fond smile. And so maybe he went on a tangent, and he’s allergic to emotions, but whatever. This is a moment. 

Steve tries to start apologizing and guilting himself again. 

“Nope. Don’t want to hear it. Nope,” Tony said, plugging his ears, like a child. He’s well aware. “And if you’re going to run because of my parents, I will find you and I will punch you. With or without a repulsor depends.”

”Tony,” Steve repeated, like he has a chance of stopping Tony and changing his mind. Listen, Tony’s already had a good talk with himself, and he’s solved everything, convincing Steve is the easiest thing here. 

Tony cut him off again. He knew this sounded like avoidance to Steve. “Nope, I made peace with it, nope, we are not talking about this today or in the next two days. And right now we are going to focus on getting your boy back, and then I’ll spend a nice dozen sessions at therapy, and talk to Charlotte, okay?” Charlotte, his Pepper-approved therapist, was going to be booked for a while. 

So while Steve tried to convince Tony that he was thinking irrationally, Tony played it off and tried to make Steve understand that he was going to win this argument, and that he was going to stay. 

 ”Steve.”

”This isn’t a li—” _A light decision_ , Steve had been about to say. And yeah, Tony knew; he had already run all the possibilities over. 

”Easy decision, yeah I know. Did I make it? Yeah. Will I regret it? We’ll see. Will I regret it if I let you run? Yes. Should we improve our communication better, and by we I mean you? Yes. Are you a dramatic asshole who likes shocking me into silence? Yes. Is this over? Yes. Great! I can pretend this never happened.” Tony clapped his hands excitedly, realizing that the only way he’d be able to beat Steve in the stubbornness match would be to say something and run. 

Steve blinked. “No, that is not how it works and—”

”La la la, I can’t hear you over the sound of your apartment search being canceled!” He clapped hands over his ears in a mock gesture of not listening and then argued with Steve a little more. Tony decided to play dirty with a final line. ”If you feel any shred of guilt towards me, then use it towards listening to me and staying.”

He walked away after that, knowing that Steve was gaping in confusion behind him. 

Now, he could only hope that he had made the right decision. There was no going back from this. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that’s the end!


End file.
